Man vs. Virus

My friends, I'm pretty certain that what I have been fighting over the last 3 weeks has been some sort of viral infection. Folks all over NE Ohio have been suffering from attacks by these little cell invaders. If you're interested in how a virus executes its attack, you can read this or ask her, as my knowledge of the life of a virus is minimal. But, I think I learned something about the pesky virus over the last 3 weeks.....

I like to think of a virus as smart. They seem to know what's going on with your body so well. For example, they'll move the focus of their attack around from your head, to your sinus cavity, to your throat, to your chest, etc. searching for a weakness. My recent virus did this. The virus knows when you are vulnerable. It will attack you when you are sleeping or after a hard (or even not-so-hard) workout. For example, I was feeling much better last Monday and then after a short run that evening my muscles ached like I'd just run 15 hilly miles on the pavement.....and then the next morning my throat was under attack (a.k.a. a little sore).

So, after nearly 3 weeks of resting and fighting this virus with tea and cayenne pepper I found it's weakness. Beer and whiskey. So, if you have this nasty upper respiratory infection that is going around, I would recommend drinking an ample amount of strong beer from your local brewery and include a few ounces of your favorite whiskey. When I worked at a liquor store many years ago, our regulars would refer to this plan of attack as "scaring it out of you," and they practiced it regularly when they were sick, modifying my plan by eliminating the beer and attempting to consume a fifth of whiskey (and likely succeeding). Note that said regulars at said retailer were sick often. At any rate, here is an example of what this plan of attack might entail....

Go to a party. Enjoy talking with folks at the party, especially if they are members of your local tri club or have other interests similar to yours. At the party attempt to drink a 6 pack of beer over a few hours whilst talking to the good people in attendance. If you don't drink the entire 6-pack that is ok, but try and drink at least enough of them to induce what you might call a good beer buzz. Drink whiskey when a toast is proposed. Leave the party and sit in the car for an hour on the ride home (which may entail a snowstorm, if mother nature says so). Upon realizing that the local beer and whiskey taste good, and considering the effect whiskey has on your desire to continue consuming more beer and whiskey, go ahead and stop at the bar around the corner from home just before hitting the hay for the night. Have one more big mug of beer concocted at your local brewery and a little more whiskey. Go home. Sleep on the sofa in your clothes until 7:30 a.m., then put on more comfortable clothes and sleep as long as you can. Wake up to a headache that can be attributed to your hangover and realize that your throat and sinuses feel better than they have in many weeks and that you didn't wake up with a sore throat for the first time in about a week. Then, you can praise beer and whiskey for it's ability to cure your viral infection. Tell all your friends about your discovery and resume endurance training near previous levels the next week.

* Disclaimer: The author believes that consuming an amount of beer and whiskey that results in sleeping in your clothes can induce sickness under certain circumstances, and is only recommended when a viral infection is near defeat (think of it like giving speed to a hyperactive kid, as in the case of ritalin). Alcohol consumption to the point of memory loss, urinating oneself, vomiting, waking up in bed with a stranger, or provoking a fistfight is not recommended.